Tough decisions

Currently I am faced with a decision that I don’t want to make.  This is where I want to live with my parents again where they have to make decisions like this.  This is a time where I don’t want to have to be an adult.  I know that I have to though.  I have to step up and do something I absolutely can’t imagine having to do. 

I can’t!  But I have to.

My dog has been with us for ten great years.  He was our first child.  He is the cutest English Bulldog, the one type of dog my wife and I have always wanted.  He basically fell into our lap.  How often do people get a healthy one year old bulldog for free? Since day one he has just fit into our family. He loves to sleep in until we are ready for him to get up. He was able to hold going to the bathroom for 12-15 hours without a problem.  He loved snoring and farting under his blanket that he loved to sleep under.  He loved humans more than other dogs.  He would love getting pet whenever someone would pet him.  When he didn’t have a human to pet him, he would love playing with other dogs.  Maybe even a little air humping with his overbite out.  No matter what though, he was always down for a good time.  

Luckily for us he has been extremely healthy ever since we have gotten him.  Until now.  He has always been so friendly and active and fun.  Until now.  He loves going outside on a nice day and laying around or walking down the path just sniffing around.  Until now.  He loves going on long walks with the family, peeing on every single thing he sniffs.  Until now.  Until now, we never had to worry about him.  Unfortunately lately things have changed.  Around November he started to have to go out at like 4:30 in the morning.  Not a fan of that!  Little did I know that I would be wishing for that right about now.  Currently every night lately we have woken up to him peeing in our room, on our carpet.  He doesn’t bark for us to let him out anymore, he just pees.  He can’t help it.  We knew something wasn’t right.  

I had just paid a ton of money to get some testing done at our vet because of his peeing in the house.  He never peed in the house!  Everything came back perfectly clear, but something still wasn’t right.  My wife took him to a friend who was a vet.  After some X-rays, she saw what we feared.  A large tumor covering one of his lungs.  I was heartbroken.  I am not ready to lose him.  Here comes the toughest part.  We can’t have him peeing in our house every single day.  He looks miserable and barely steps outside anymore.  He can’t go on walks because he doesn’t have the stamina.  He isn’t eating like he should be and has lost a ton of weight.  He barely makes it up the stairs to come to bed.  He has never looked so sad and tired.

I don’t want him to suffer.  But I can’t do it!  I can’t even think of having to take him in and leave without him.  I want someone else to do it for me.  I know it is something that is coming, and I have been preparing myself for it, but that doesn’t make it any easier.  I know it is close, and every day it keeps getting even closer.  I even thought as I couldn’t sleep when he woke us up peeing last night that maybe today it needs to happen.  But I thought maybe lets just see how he does this weekend.  He may be suffering, and I don’t want that.  But how do I know what day is the day.  Do I let it get to the point where he is so bad that I have no choice, or do I just make it so he isn’t suffering anymore. I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to make this decision.  It’s coming and it’s coming very soon, and I HATE IT!